Right-click to download PDF version

Widowhood is a life stage that many women will have to face at some time. It helps to know what to expect

      The thought of becoming a widow makes most women cringe! A girl dreams of becoming a woman, then a wife and mother, then a grandmother. But a widow? Never!

      Interestingly enough, in a society where women generally outlive men, no real thought is given to preparing for what more than 10 million women in the United States alone now live in—widowhood. In a news article a majority of women complained that television, for example, doesn’t adequately cover such topical issues as widowhood. Does this lack of information exist because the word widow in our minds is connected with death—and death is a subject we don’t like to think about?

      Widow has never been a desired word in any context. In a card game it is a hand or group of cards not dealt to any player. In printing it is a word or group of words constituting less than a full line, generally considered to be typographically undesirable.

      Yet how quickly a woman can pass from wife to widow! With her husband’s last breath, the transition is complete.

Momentous changes

“And what relation are you to the deceased?” the mortician inquires.

“His wife,” the bereaved solemnly intones. “His widow,” he writes, and the former happy wife has to face the sad fact that her exciting and productive life as her husband’s wife and sweetheart has ended. It is now one of seemingly unbearable grief. Her life has suddenly taken a major overthrow. It appears crushed—she feels as dead inwardly as her husband is physically.

Shock and deeper pain than she has ever known well inside her. The world looks so artificial. Concerns that loomed so large pale into insignificance.

Major changes are ahead. She becomes numb with emotional paralysis. She has become what she never wanted to be—a widow. Weeping comes like a continual flood. It is essential.

With all her being she fights to bring herself under control. She is the only parent now.

Lost instantly are the physical privileges of marriage, and added also instantly, are multiplied responsibilities.

She is now, in a sense, both mother and father to her children. They need an explanation. They need comfort and love. Mommy must be ready to provide it. This is a facet of widowhood that must be faced squarely—and faced alone.

Explaining to Children

Death must now be explained. Feelings of extreme pain and loss must be handled. Mother must give reassurance to her children. She cannot protect them from this knowledge of death.

Death is hard for all of us, but the widow has to try to explain it without engulfing her children in her own grief.

She really doesn’t want her children to have this knowledge—they are so young! They see and hear her weep, and this they must see. These are the emotions of life they are being exposed to.

As they see Mother weeping deeply over Daddy’s death, they see their father’s worth to his family and Mother’s high tribute to him. In a family all share the experiences of the group. Now death, though unwelcomed, has entered. The life of that family is changed. Children cannot escape the reality of life and death.

She must hold her children close and talk about Daddy’s death. She must be careful not to give them too much information at once, depending on their age. Day by day, more will be added as family discussions go on. This helps bring the fragmented family together in their affliction.

They must develop a plan of action and work on it. They must continue living.

A child reacts to grief differently than an adult. Some children will show differences in behavior. Remember, their security has been shaken.

Mother must reassure her family that they will not be abandoned, as some children fear. Daddy is gone. Could not the same happen to Mother?

She must talk to her children and comfort them. The widow’s words will begin to help herself.

Under her own personal pressure, the responsibility is great. But Yahweh never gives us more than we can bear, even though for some time it may seem so. Staying close to Him in constant prayer is basic. The Scriptures are a widow’s close companion. Yahweh, through them, gives her strength to carry on.

Physically, her most intimate confidant, her husband, who would know how to comfort her in such a situation, is gone. The widow needs to talk to someone who understands and will listen to her for extended periods of time. But rare is the person who can offer more than snatches of time for this.

If such a real confidant is not available (and it must be someone who understands), the widow will often find that writing down her thoughts and feelings genuinely helps. She wants to talk about her husband. Many people do not realize this, and become uncomfortable when she does.

The Financial Aspect

Beside the emotional turmoil, the widow must face financial questions. Who is going to pay for the rent, the food, the clothing and the multitude of other expenses the family faces? In many, many cases, Mother now will—it has fallen her lot! She was the dependent. She is now the depended upon.

Working through bereavement (and it must be worked at—the hardest work a widow has to do), she must also work at comforting her family while working physically to provide for it.

She returns to the work force or, in many cases, enters it for the first time, usually at much lower wages than her late husband’s. She treks home exhausted from grieving and from her job.

Communication with government agencies becomes necessary. In the United States, the Social Security office and the Veteran’s Administration can provide valuable assistance for the children of a woman now financially alone.

And, in addition to financial considerations, other responsibilities must be kept up: Shopping must be done, dinner must be prepared, the house must be cleaned, the clothes laundered and set out. She’s exhausted, but …

What about the Children?

Children can help the widow. They are also a tremendous responsibility that is now all hers alone.

Rearing children in this world is a great responsibility even when both parents are involved, helping and encouraging each other. Now the widow must do it alone.

But it is not an impossible situation. Children who lose one or the other parent can and do develop into well-balanced, successful individuals. (Two of America’s greatest presidents, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, lost parents to death during their formative years.)

Helping children become balanced begins in the pattern set by both parents before the death of one of them, and by the remaining parent’s guidance and example thereafter. The early years in a child’s life set the stage for how the child will handle future life experiences.

After the death it is best to stay put, keeping the rest of your child’s life the same, as it was, as much as possible, when father was alive. The security of the same house, if monetarily possible, the same neighborhood and the same school help immediately after the death.

A widow soon learns there is no place to run to, anyway. Whether the child realizes it or not, he or she is maturing through this sobering situation. A child can become more dependable and responsible. Death has touched his or her life. It can add a deeper understanding to living. The child can grow when the remaining parent makes a stable home. He or she contributes to the whole—is not merely a recipient. Yahshua, as the firstborn, had this responsibility when Joseph died.

A parent, though now alone, really is not “single.” She cannot, and does not, return to what she was before she was married. She has all the responsibilities of marriage. She must see to her children’s spiritual, physical, mental, and social development.

Voraciously devouring YAHWEH’S Word at this time gives the widow the ability to cope—and hope. She finds that YAHWEH is the Elohim of the widow and the Father of the fatherless. Her reliance is now on YAHWEH. Her husband is asleep, awaiting the resurrection.

The resurrection! The hope of the future! This is the vital reality that gives the widow strength. She will see her husband again. The hopes and dreams for their children that they mapped out early in their marriage will be viewed together in later time.

What will happen to their children? Now one parent is left to see the results worked out. The bereaved has no power to change the situation. She has to come to embrace it. She has to.

Accepting Responsibilities

Acceptance may come slowly. Grief and shock may hinder it, but it must come. Then, the continuation of their children’s development may properly resume.

The family becomes close, unified by the common enemy—death. Children, often more resilient than their elders, suddenly emerge with surprising strength, and offer positive, loving encouragement to their remaining parent. The strong, inner desire for life goes on. It is perpetuated by children. Their attitude can greatly inspire the mother, who may feel her life has ended along with her husband’s.

Now all the family must work together—helping, inspiring and encouraging each other. It takes time for grief to lighten. Day after day must be experienced and built upon, and it is not always a smooth path. The widow will find that setbacks will occur over what to others would be insignificant occurrences.

A stranger wearing her husband’s brand of after- shave passes her in the mall. A song that meant so much in courtship days wafts through the supermarket. She finds that she has set her husband’s place at the table—or she rushes to tell him of an event that has just happened and then realizes…!

These are the things she must fight. The weeping returns. Then she picks up. She starts again, though her heart is breaking.

The family has worked harmoniously in the past. It must now, too, with one vital member absent. The others must recall the goals of the family and press on to achieve. Together they must unify and conquer this great family trial.

The Needs of Children

Though she cannot physically be both father and mother, the widow must be responsible and reliable. It is to be hoped she has known her husband well enough to know his outlook on talking to, training, and instructing their children.

She must oversee their academic growth. She must help them mix with their peers, some of whom will look at her children as different at first. She must be sure they have as much contact as possible with grandparents, uncles, and teachers who can help supply the missing influence of their father in their lives.

Her children will be gaining balance by these necessary contacts. Just as both parents must control the environment of their offspring as much as possible, so must the only parent.

But now she has even more to watch for. The widow must plan social development for her children. They must grow in happy times.

She’s the lone hostess now as she invites others to her home, as well as the sole parent and disciplinarian. She must continually fight thoughts of self-pity as she deals with people whose lives continue as before while hers is so changed.

Tending to want to relax rules of child rearing while grieving, a widow must work at not doing so. The guidelines the family had must not slip. She must display strength. The children should have long before learned to respond to the authority of both parents. Where would she be now in this situation if that were not the case?

A New Life

The widow must learn to plan and balance her time for all that is now on her shoulders. She must set the family budget, write the checks, keep the family car in working order. Children must be transported to functions. Appointments must be kept. There are a myriad of other needs. Mother must now handle all of them.

And she needs time just to be with her children, to play with them, talk to them and shower them with love.

While a widow is supplying a social life for her children, she will find that hers is changed. She often will not be included in activities that she and her husband were in before. Living as a wife, she was established. Now she must make a new life as a widow.

The widow will find that looking at the beauty of creation, meditating and pondering on the purpose of YAHWEH, will help her reduce the excess tensions that may build up.

A widow must in her busy schedule try to find ways of relaxing. Walking, walking, walking is one of the best physical releases of tension.

As her children grow, a widow must instruct her sons through boyhood and adolescence. She must provide the “father and son” talks, carrying out what she has learned from her husband, coupled with YAHWEH’s way of life. She must seek out this information if she has not known it. And she must not be afraid of it! A woman speaks from the opposite vantage point of a man—a wise son will heed.

Of note, too, is how often, when the Bible says a man was successful, his mother is mentioned. Mothers have a tremendous influence on their children. As the old saying goes, “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.”

The widow’s life is busy indeed. At the same time she is developing her children, she must not overlook her need for interests outside of the home. Eventually her children will be on their own and so will she.

The widow feels new emotions as different milestones of growth take place in her children’s lives. She must go through these emotions alone, while thoughts of her husband flood her mind, but on she goes. She is making it.

A Message to Women

What can a woman learn from reading this—that is, if she’s had the courage to read this far, since no woman wants to even contemplate becoming a widow?

She can learn to prepare for life in her formative years—and prepare well. She should become educated, building skills to use in her family, with others, and in life in general. She must develop deep reserves of inner strength and quiet calm. She should develop vision for the future, and though she may never be a widow, she should know life has other challenges, turns, trials. Most of all, she needs to make sure her spiritual life with Yahweh is strong.

She should become thrifty, not throwing away money on unnecessary extravagances frequently, but buying necessities for family living. She should learn to care for possessions.

When she marries, she should learn to love her husband and children. They are most precious gifts of YAHWEH, given to her for so few precious years. She should cherish these wonderful gifts and enjoy every day and every minute. She shouldn’t let little insignificant problems get to her, but work them out and enjoy!

Marriage to the right person is a high physical pleasure. She should rejoice with the husband of her youth and enjoy all that YAHWEH has given her in this life. She should continually thank YAHWEH for her husband, his love, tender care, and wonderful qualities—be thankful that he is there to love, comfort, encourage, inspire, provide for, protect, and make the final decisions.

Should a woman become widowed, the wonderful memory of her husband, his qualities of tenderness, unending love and devotion will far supersede physical death.

The Kingdom of YAHWEH is ahead! Death and sorrow will be forgotten once and for all!

Widowhood is a station of life for which no place will then be found. Over this, no former widow will grieve.