Right-click to download PDF version

Some parents are making a fatal mistake in their child rearing and heading for heartbreak in the years ahead. You could be one of them. If merely making your children OBEDIENT is your only goal, you will probably find yourself with an uphill battle for 10 – 20 years, ending with great disappointment and a tremendous “generation gap.”

      What do you wish to accomplish in training your child? Have you ever stopped to consider? What overriding goal do you have in mind as the ultimate end point of approximately twenty years of feeding, clothing, protecting and teaching your offspring from infancy on through babyhood, childhood, teen-age? Unless you can see, and consciously work toward the right goal, right results cannot be guaranteed.

What is the right goal?

The overall purpose of your child rearing should be to develop your children into balanced, happy, mature, well-adjusted, RIGHTEOUS ADULTS. They will need to become capable, reliable persons prepared for the responsibility of adulthood. Ideally they should be able to take their place in society without the hang-ups and complexes you have had to fight all these years! That should be your overall goal! So how would you approach such a goal? Obviously the best of all examples to look to is that of your spiritual Father. Elohim the Father is doing a great deal of child rearing Himself. He knows how to do it. He has already SUCCEEDED – having “reared” Abraham, Moses, David, Daniel and many others. His system works!

More Than Just Punishment and Obedience

Some parents seem to think their only job is to discipline. They seem to feel the only thing that counts is obedience. Why? Actually it’s often just because they are so selfish themselves. Such parents just want their children to stay out of their hair – not to “bother” them. Others may strive to have obedient children for vanity sake. When friends or relatives visit, they will show off as they bark “Sit down!” “Go to your room!”. Their children obediently trot off to bed. Guests are supposed to be impressed.

But what if the only way Yahweh worked with you was through discipline? What if every error received a sound whack?? What if every wrong thought, selfish act, foolish mistake resulted in so many swats? What if not one sin passed “unnoticed” and there was no warmth, no love, no evidence that Yahweh was “concerned” FOR YOU, except for a constant negative “NO” booming in your ears?

You would become so discouraged, so despondent and terribly UNHAPPY that if you didn’t openly rebel, you would turn inward, and shrivel up within your own personality. You would feel that you could never really accomplish what your Father expected of you. And so you would probably quit trying! Except – you would keep trying enough, just to keep from getting “swats”. Your children will react the same way if treated that way! And you will someday wonder why your children who seemed so obedient as youngsters have become so distant, so heartless and unfeeling, as adults.

Discipline alone WILL NOT WORK! Some parents have tried it and ultimately have actually come to say something like this “I have spanked him till I am blue in the face and he still doesn’t obey me”. Something more important was lacking.

Your spiritual Father is known for His love and mercy

Even when He punishes, He doesn’t give you what you really deserve. Rather, His heart is turned toward you. He forgives. Do your children think of you as merciful, like your heavenly Father? Is your heart turned toward them and their heart towards you with warmth, trust and affection?

A characteristic of Yahweh’s true Congregation, bearing to the world the last warning message before the Messiah’s return, and preparing the way for His appearance, is expressed in the prophecy of Malachi 4:6 “And He shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers….”

Is your son’s or daughter’s heart turned toward you? Is yours turned toward him or her? If not, your basic approach to child rearing is wrong!

Yahweh gives you more than mercy. He constantly works to encourage you. He makes you laugh, He rewards your efforts with blessings. Even though you had much to unlearn as a newly baptized believer, but with good intention, He blessed you, leading you gradually along the right way. This is the way you must do with your children.

Child rearing is synonymous with LOVE and character building. Discipline is a part of both. But so are encouragement, affection, listening and positive instruction. If temporary obedience is your goal, and you use only discipline to get it, your children may flee from you when they are able, just as the inmates of the ISIS camp fled from their evil persecutors whenever they had a chance.

Many children have run away from home because of the intolerant behavior of parents. Each week 10,000 American children run away- or over half a million a year! Don’t push your children into making a similar mistake, which they’ll regret later.

DON’T MAKE DISCIPLINE YOUR ONLY FORM OF CHILDREARING!

Training in Making Decisions

When your child is a baby, you must totally dominate him. You decide what he will eat, what clothes to wear, where he should be and when. As he gets older, you can give him more freedom in these areas. Still maintaining overall supervision, you gradually widen the area in which you let him make decisions. Let your child decide what colors to use in his coloring book. Then, what clothes to wear.

Still later, give him a chance to decide how to spend part of his savings or allowance. Let him even decide to buy something, occasionally, that may be a waste of money. Better for him to waste a little when he is young and learn from it, than to lose much more when he is older, with the responsibility of a wife and child of his own.

Unfortunately, many have not learned the right use of money until the stakes are too high that permanent damage is done to their marriage and financial security! Yahweh is teaching you to decide – on your own. He calls it building character. He guides you, gives you the principles involved – warns you that obeying His laws brings blessings, and not obeying them brings curses. He gives case studies in His Word. He even commands you to choose His way. But the final decision is in your hands. As Yahweh’s son, you must decide – and bear the consequences of your decisions.

So teach YOUR CHILDREN TO MAKE DECISIONS. When they start school, they will have to decide what friends to spend time with, what books to read, and later whether to allow peer pressure to engage in worldly behavior. YOU may not be there to guide them at each crucial, decisive moment. They will have to go and decide by THEMSELVES. Equip them for that time ahead of time! Give them practice now in making sound decisions.

The key is to have areas in which your child can feel free to make up his own mind. You decide whether he should put his hand into the fire. You dictate to him about going into the street. Those areas are not for him to decide for himself. But is it really so critical which play suit he wears? Or what toys he takes to services, as long as they are suitable for the time and place?

Your daughter may feel she has invented a new way to sew. You know it won’t work. Explain it to her. Show her why it won’t work, without mocking her for coming up with such a childish idea. If she doesn’t feel you know what you are talking about, let her try it! When it doesn’t work for exactly the reason you said, she will learn more than sewing!

And she will see you aren’t as dumb as she might have thought – which will be crucial for her when she is seventeen and deciding if she should follow your advice about avoiding fornication before marriage – or drugs – or whether to marry Freddie anyway when you tell her it would be a bad match. But leave off the I TOLD YOU SO’S, which only serve to tickle your vanity and widen the gap between you and your child.

Main Principle Of Relationship

You are the ruler of your child. But you need to realize the cornerstone principle for rulership Yahweh’s way.

“And Yahshua called to them and said to them, You know that the rulers of the gentiles are their masters and their nobles are in authority over them. But it will not be so among you. But whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your servant” (Mat 20:25-27).

Have you ever thought of it this way? You are your child’s servant. You are to SERVE him by preparing him for adulthood. Not like a demagogue who will not tolerate any difference of opinion, nor any delegating of decision making, but like a wise teacher, teaching your child the way to make proper decisions. He can only learn that by PRACTICE. And PRACTICE implies some MISTAKES. Your job is to make sure they are little mistakes, not life shattering ones.

How much better it is to serve the children that Yahweh has given you by helping them to learn that they do need their parents’ advice as they do walk the road of life. How much better that they learn that when their mom and dad say “no”, there is usually a very good REASON. They have seen the proof. Let them be used to admitting, “I was wrong”, without shame or jeering.

If you rule your children Yahshua’s way, they will want your rule. They will learn it is for their own good. They won’t feel fettered by it, as bound in straight-jackets. They will be free in it. They will respect you for it. And Yahweh will guarantee them along, happy life for respecting their parents (Exo 20:12).

What To Teach Your Child

There are many other things to teach your child to prepare them to be a righteous adult. First, teach him to express himself. You can do this by letting smaller children go over the day’s events before bedtime. Sure, listening to him recount an event that happened while you were at work can be tiring or boring – but it’s profitable to the storyteller. It’s something similar to Spokesman’s club, where the men of Yahweh learn to put their thoughts, opinions, questions, doubts and fears into words. They receive a diploma AFTER they can speak from the heart!

You should also teach your child to express himself by LISTENING to and ANSWERING his questions – not squelching them. Treat his bold or heretical questions with respect. A question that sounds terrible to you must have been in His mind before it comes out of his mouth. And if it is there, it needs an answer! Also, one question lays the ground work for others. Sometimes the proper answer to one of those questions, if heeded, will save him untold trouble. Too many parents squelch the “silly” questions. So they never get to hear the “big” ones!

Third, teach your child to DO THINGS – Ever see a young boy standing awkwardly aside a swimming pool while all his friends are enthusiastically in it? He can’t swim. He is self- conscious, an outsider and very unhappy. He is also losing valuable leadership training. Avoid allowing inferiority and other personality complexes to develop – teach him to swim. If possible, give him or her opportunity to go horseback riding. Teach him or her to make things, such as cookies and doll clothes for girls and model airplanes and boats for boys. Go on hikes, picnics, buy a kite and help him fly it, teach them to draw and paint.

Fourth, develop your child’s interests as fully as you are able. His whole life will be richer. He will be able to mix with all kinds of people and realize his full leadership potential. Did you ever notice that the leaders in Yahweh’s congregation have a broad range of interests and well rounded personalities? Help your child to become like Messiah in this as much as in other ways.

Fifth, teach him the proper use of power. Money is a form of power. Your child should learn how to use it wisely. A car is a power. So is a boat, roller skates or a bicycle. Children will misuse these unless trained.

Sixth, teach your child to face trials BRAVELY. A broken toy can be a major crisis if you’re four. So can a dead pet. Take time to put these “trials” into perspective. A broken toy can open the door for you to explain the importance of buying quality items, or proper care of possessions. Or even principles of maintenance and repair. The dead pet is different from a dead human. Teach your child the difference. Just your sitting down and explaining the overview will take much of the sting out of the trial. It also narrows any potential “generation” gap.

Your own example in facing YOUR trials is also important. If you are dressed to go out and your child spills milk down your best outfit – YOU have a trial. If an otherwise gentle mother becomes a screaming witch, hurling abuse at a glass-shattering pitch, your child learns BY EXAMPLE not to face trials bravely. He will also tend to fly apart in the face of trials. Actions speak louder than words. To expect your child to stand firm in a crisis, you must stand firm first.

Teach Them to Face the World

You should also teach your children that there are problems in the world – horrible, heartrending problems. Then demonstrate that Elohim HAS THE ANSWERS. If someone becomes ill or involved in an accident, THERE ARE REASONS – usually easily defined. Teach your child. Show him the cause and effect principle. Show him how to avoid the effect, by following Yahweh’s way of life in the first place. Older children will see girls drop out of school, pregnant. Show them the effect on the girl, her family, the boy and his family and even on the unborn child itself.

But take care! All children are idealistic. They view the world through rose colored glasses, and it’s a good thing they do. If any of us could see all the evil, and all the trials and problems ahead of us, at once we would feel defeated before we start. The rose-colored glasses gradually have to go. But remove them gently; don’t rip them from their faces. If you tell your child how rotten the world is, he will likely not believe it is this bad. And there is no purpose served by shouting, “You wait till you have to earn your own living, it’s tough out there!” What you say is true. But you will make more progress by positive instruction. Show the fruits of the right way. Point to the FRUITS of the wrong way. When all the facts are presented, in an atmosphere of reason, few children will knowingly and imperiously choose the automatic curses of the wrong way.

It is up to you to maintain an atmosphere of reason. If you continually discourage your child, he will become bitter and resentful. Then Satan can more easily influence him. You must keep an atmosphere of reason by being reasonable and fair yourself. Yahweh tells us – and let’s always remember it – “Fathers, do not provoke your children, that they may not be discouraged” (Col 3:21).

How to teach obedience

Finally, you should teach your children obedience mainly by setting them an example of respect for the laws of Elohim and man. As Yahweh is doing with you, teach them to respond quickly when instructions are given. Be sure you have your child’s attention, then tell him what you want him to do. Back up your words with discipline if necessary – in love.

Above all things, don’t use the phrase, “How many times do I have to tell you…”? Or “Do you want a spanking?” (talk about ridiculous questions – no wonder there is a generation gap!) or “If you don’t do as I said, I’m going to..” – That is not effectively teaching obedience. Instead, you are encouraging delayed response, the psychology of last minute escapes, the deathbed repentance syndrome.

You should also teach your children the principle behind obedience. In your regular bible studies, point out the clear lessons of what happened to those who obeyed Yahweh and those who disobeyed. Always stress this vital principle so that the lesson is always driven home.

Remember your real goal is long term, willing obedience. It is not something short term like getting your child to go to bed. You certainly cannot expect real lasting obedience to Yahweh or man if you take such a short sighted approach. Keep your long term goal in mind.

Solomon described it: “My son, if your heart is wise, my heart shall rejoice, even mine. And my reigns shall rejoice, when your lips speak right things” (Prov 23:15-16). Solomon saw the proper goal was more than temporary obedience.

When your child, no longer a child, reaches maturity and enjoys a life of happiness, balance, wisdom and sound judgment, without the cares and kickbacks of disobedience, then you can say that your child training, has been a success. You will have accomplished the real goal of child rearing and one of the most important purposes of your life.